Irrational Uncertainty

A time comes, when a certain emotion, dream, plan or opportunity boils over with such ferocity that it forces drastic action and ends up changing you and your surroundings. Unfortunately that is not my story.

My story is a lot more mundane. It is a delicate dance between rational thought and irrational desires. The argument between fiscally conservative approach and the proverbial throw of the dice. The silken bonds of sensitivity to those around you. And finally a plain old fear of the unknown.

India is the country of my birth. I lived there exclusively till I was twenty one. Since 1991 I have spent two three month periods there. Otherwise I have been a visitor fighting jet-lag, staying away from tap water and uncooked foods till the return date printed on my ticket sounded the bell and I got on to the airplane that brought me back to the United States.

What are my ties to India? Are they social, emotional, financial? They are not financial for sure. I don't have money there nor do I expect a windfall. Are they emotional? The answer would have to be a conditional yes. Otherwise, why do I scour Indian news websites everyday; why do I keep in touch with Indian movies; why does the fate of Indian cricket team matter so much to me? Are my ties social? Answer to this question is multifaceted. Social tiesinclude family, friends, societal framework and cultural. The answer to family ties is going to be tenuous at best. My parents will probably be happy to have me back and I will probably be happy to be there, but after the initial euphoria I am sure there frictions will arise and create ill-will. Regarding friends, there are hardly any I have left in India. Societal framework is something that troubles me almost as much as the familial proximity in India. The framework that will help me when in trouble will also judge me, criticize me and have unrealistic expectations of me. Finally the culture issue, in my case is a non-issue. Being atheistic and (almost violently) opposed to superstition, the Hindu ritualistic tradition when coupled with the social and family network becomes a millstone that might be the hardest burden to carry.

Then why do think about going back on a daily basis? Won't I miss the Sierra Nevada mountains, won't I miss the solitude afforded by loneliness, won't I miss the ability to go on thousand mile drives with little or no planning, won't I miss the cleanliness, won't I miss the libraries, won't I miss Netflix?

Dwelling the in the world of rationality, I can argue for a career advancing move in India. I can argue for a better standard of living if I get the right salary and having domestic help. I can argue for a set up wherein I have more freedom in what I say or do and not worry about the homeland security agents hauling me up and permanently jeopardizing my changes of getting a green-card.

The answer is does not dwell there. I don't know where the answer dwells. Like an Indian well trained in the middle-class ways I try to fit into any group of people and give them little or no opportunity to find fault in my thoughts or ideals. I carefully tread the middle ground when it comes to idealism and practicality so I never talk about going back to India to improve the lot of the people there. I try not to make statements that I cannot back up either with action or reason, so I don't talk about my plans to go back. I avoid offending the sensibilities of other Indians by not stating my opinions on the cultural strait-jacket I fear India will impose on me.

My decision to move to India will involve my wife and kids moving as well. In the absence of a strong reason, I fall prey to the worries that my wife has about the freedoms that a woman can exercise, even in modern India. I fall prey to the argument about too many kids fighting for too few seats in schools and colleges. I fall prey to the argument about the rigid schooling system that might stifle creativity in my children.

So what does one do?

Till the time comes, when a certain emotion, dream, plan or opportunity boils over with such ferocity that it forces drastic action and ends up changing me and my surroundings I guess I will write such articles and continue checking up on India as reported my news websites.